Tuesday, June 16, 2009

18 Hour Day of the Dead

Let's talk about zombies. Alaska is one of the safest locations to be when the zombie invasion happens, and it's time to talk about why.


One of the biggest elements of survival in a zombie invasion scenario is location. How many zombies there are and how easy they can travel is one of the biggest factors that contribute to large-scale breakouts vs. localized occurrences. Fortunately, Alaska has the upper hand in this regard. Should an outbreak start in the lower 48 or Canada, the zombies would have to travel through the Yukon Territory or via plane or ferry in order to get up here. That's not to completely discount the possibility of some wayward zombies making it up here, but I'm confident that we would be fairly safe even if a large-scale outbreak occurred (which would undoubtedly shut down air and boat traffic to Alaska).

If an outbreak originated here, on the other hand, I still feel fairly confident that the severity would be minimized by the sparse and scattered population of Alaska, coupled with the other features that make it ideal for weathering an undead apocalypse.


Alaska is well-armed, plain and simple. There are a lot of guns up here, and people aren't shy about carrying them. Much like the Confederate soldiers, the people of Alaska are proficient in the use of firearms, giving them a distinct advantage in the realm of defending themselves and their homes from zombie aggressors. In addition to the well-armed population, one of the big advantages of the Great White North is that the natural landscape provides an additional layer of protection against a zombie invasion.


Zombies would have their work cut out for them in Alaska. First of all, the natural terrain does not make it easy for zombies to get around. The place is covered with trees, rocks, snow and ice, and things are pretty far apart. A zombie could wander in the woods for days or weeks before coming across a potential victim, who is probably armed and able to defend against the attacker. In addition to the terrain, Alaska is filled with animals that can fend for themselves. While it's common knowledge that zombies have no interest in animals as a general rule, it's entirely plausible that wandering zombies will eventually run across a wayward bear, moose or wolf who will defend its territory or young from any perceived threat, alive or undead. Let's not forget that during the summer, it's light for most of the time, offering another level of protection to the zombie-wary Alaskan, since darkness makes it harder to detect approaching zombies. Another distinct advantage of Alaska is that for seven months out of the year or so, it's frozen solid. This works well for humans because zombies can't operate in cold weather. The muscles freeze and they pretty much sit there until it thaws out and they can move again. This works well for those around during winter, as they can simply head out on snow machines for a good ole fashioned zombie-dispatchin' good time. While not all of them would be able to be dispatched, the winter climate in Alaska offers significant protection that simply isn't available in much of the lower 48.

In short, Alaska is a great place to live, but a pretty crappy place to be undead. I am confident that if when the zombie apocalypse finally arrives, those of us living here will be much safer than those unfortunate enough to be somewhere like California.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

In These Tough Economic Times...

Ok, so I am really sick of hearing about how shitty the economy is right now. It seems like every single advertisement, talk show, radio program, and newspaper column is about how bad the economy is and how everyone is worried. It's especially bad in the legal community, it seems. With BigLaw firms cutting jobs and slashing salaries, many people are worried that a paradigm shift is occurring that will change the way the legal community does business as a whole. Law students are worried about getting jobs and lawyers are worried about how they're going to pay their mortgages.

My solution? Stop whining.

Frankly, I welcome this change. For many years now, the legal community has been largely an affluent group of individuals making a lot of money for their services. Regardless of whether you feel these services are worth what they charge, few will disagree that lawyers in general tend to be more affluent than others and generally have less money worries than the general population (nb: too many "general"s in that sentence). Even public defenders, who make less than almost all other types of lawyers, generally live ok, if not well. It comes as no surprise to me that an entire profession that enjoys more financial success than most others is suddenly finding that it's not worth as much as it once was. I also find it hard to sympathize with people who have such an upper hand in life (i.e. higher education and greater earning potential) having to deal with the same money and employability issues that the rest of the world faces on a daily basis. While it's not to say that the law profession isn't completely invulnerable to economic downturns, the bottom line is that we are lawyers. The only person that we really have to be hired by is the client. Your law firm may not need your services any more, but stop whining that your life is over and your services are useless. You are well-educated and better off than most people. Quit bitching about it.

/end rant.