Monday, September 14, 2009

Zombies vs. Vampires

So lately, it seems like vampires are all the rage. With the Twilight saga, the story about a group of high school vampires who do each other's makeup and turn glittery when exposed to sunlight, the world has been looking on vampires with a new light, one that's filled with adoration, intrigue, and affection rather than fear, respect and distrust. From Trueblood to The Vampire Chronicles, vampires are the new "it" subpopulation, so it's time to clear up a few things, namely about the ranking of vampires in relation to zombies. So let me make this clear:

Zombies > Vampires. Always.

Let's talk about why this is an indisputable fact of nature.

First, zombies are ruthless. Zombies relentlessly pursue their prey. They don't stop for pesky things like falling in love or severed limbs or being dead. Zombies only want one thing: living brains. They aren't worried about secret societies, power struggles, love, betrayal, redemption, or anything else that plagues the world of vampires. A zombie never feels bad about biting someone he's in love with, because that's not an option for a zombie. This makes them a superior predator in all regards.

When has this ever happened? Never.

Second, zombies don't yearn for adoration. Most of the vampire literature in existence focuses on their struggle between embracing their vampiric instincts and coexisting or gaining acceptance in a human world where they're feared and hated. Zombies don't have to worry about this. Why? Because they don't care whether or not they're accepted. Zombies have no desire to be loved, admired, adored, or respected by their human counterparts. Really all they care about is delicious brains. So while vampires are busy brooding about how to fall in love and how to cope with the loss that comes with immortality, zombies are gnawing through skulls and getting shot by the Marines. Zombies 1, Vampires 0.

To a vampire, group therapy represents an opportunity for growth and acceptance. To a zombie, it represents a buffet.

Finally, zombies aren't immortal. While this sounds like it might come up as a plus for vampires, really it works against them. Think about it: vampires are immortal, meaning that they will be around, whining and being pale, for an indefinite period of time (barring something awesome like Blade getting out of tax prison and going back to wrecking shop on them). Zombies, on the other hand, represent the immediacy of the world we live in, as they pose an immediate threat to the human population. They are ruthless, diligent, and best of all, they can be dealt with. A zombie apocalypse has an end in sight, either when all the zombies have been dispatched or when the entire human population has succumbed to zombification. Either way, it's not an open-ended scourge, unlike vampires. So in a hundred years, we're still going to have to deal with vampires writing bad poetry and brooding and wearing stupid clothes, whereas zombies will have come and gone without subjecting us to their emotional vulnerability. I look forward to the day when zombies discover they can feast on vampires, killing two birds with one stone.

In conclusion, zombies have always been and will always be the superior undead scourge, and it's time they regain their terror-inducing prominence amidst a growing obsession with pretty-boy teenagers who wear body glitter.

Rob Pattinson vs. Rob Zombie: Who do you fear? Exactly.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Career Options Pt. 2

So in my continued quest for eventual gainful employment, I've been exploring my career options, including a few that I mentioned in my last post. Here are some more jobs I've been considering. Feel free to add any input or insight that might be helpful in my search.

5. Outlaw/Renegade- this seems like a pretty sweet gig. Riding around on a motorcycle, blasting across the alkali flats, eating at truck stops and drinking at sleazy dive bars, wearing brass knuckles, and just generally being a hard-ass. Unfortunately it appears that this job doesn't pay that well, although since it's technically self-employment, you don't have to worry about getting hired in this tough economy.
  • Pros- lawlessness, flowing locks, flexible scheduling, skull-cracking, curb-stomping, having a theme song
  • Cons- lack of regular hygiene, comparisons to Lorenzo Lamas, dealing with 4-wheeled drivers, Johnny Law

6. Celebutante/Socialite- along the same lines as the renegade, there seems to be a burgeoning market for jobs that don't actually have any work product or responsibilities. Although I wasn't born into a famous or extraordinarily wealthy family, I think I could pull off shopping, eating in nice restaurants, and carrying around various dogs for a living. Especially if they'll let me do my celebutante shopping at Cabela's. However, I might run into trouble being seen as legitimate, since I know nothing about fashion, celebrity gossip, and the only non-political celebrity I've ever met was Jimmy Houston. I think I'll keep this one near the bottom of the roster but its' not out entirely just yet.
  • Pros- flexible schedule, work from home, self-supervision, fame, money
  • Cons- paparazzi, no health plan, am a dude

She got paid more for this picture than I've earned in my entire life.

7. Ultimate Fighting Champion- While I'm not sure repeated kicks to the face is something my guidance counselor ever suggested (I wasn't paying attention too closely or I wouldn't be in this position), it's certainly crossed my mind, particularly on days when being repeatedly pummeled seems preferable to the mental pummeling that is law school. I'm not quite in fighting shape yet, but I imagine I could get there within 6 months or so. Although it might take me longer to train for the cage, I imagine I could be pretty decent at it. I mean, how much mental capacity does it really take to beat people to a pulp for a living? (Attention UFC Fighters: please don't kill me for this post). Time to buy a speed bag and some steroids.
  • Pros- awesome job title, watercooler conversations involve phrases like "spleen" and "ruptured," uniform only consists of shorts, work days last as many rounds as you want them to
  • Cons- weak haunches, brain damage, UFC fans, brain damage, preference for having teeth

This is a strangely accurate representation of PC. One of those guys is the PC professor.

Time to send out some resumes.