Monday, June 7, 2010

Top 5 Animals I'd Like to be Reincarnated As

I really hope I get reincarnated. That is to say, of all the possible afterlife scenarios out there, reincarnation is probably the one I've got the best chance of not screwing up. And if I've gotta reincarnate, I'm gonna come back as an animal. Humanity is cool but I'd like to give animalia a try for a while and see how it fits me. So here are the top 5 animals I'm crossing my fingers to become, in no particular order...

Mountain Lion
 "What's that? Oh, nothing, just eating your children."

The mountain lion is probably the coolest thing anyone could possibly reincarnate as. Mountain lions are the reincarnations of total badasses of the past, people who killed Nazis and almost made the buffalo extinct and invented the Tesla coil. They are strong, lithe, silent, and have no natural predators. This is the epitome of being at the top of the food chain. They're basically the Jeremiah Johnson of the animal kingdom, just rolling around the mountains wrecking shop on deer and Crow Indians and living alone. If humans had the equivalent of a mountain lion, there would be no sexual predators or hippies. Bad news: you basically have to be a badass in life to reincarnate as one of these, and I am still working on that.

"I can change colors, open bottles, and poison you."

There are few animals more inherently awesome than the octopus. How many awesome features does it have, you say? Well, check it out:
  • 3 hearts
  • Intelligence to complete maze and problem-solving exercises
  • Color changing
  • shoots ink
  • some are poisonous
  • 8 arms (which are largely autonomous, btw)
  • a beak
  • those weird square goat eyes that give them ~300 degree visibility
  • no bones to break
  • holy crap octopuses are awesome 
So yeah, octopus is pretty much one of the coolest animals you could possibly be, so maybe that'll be on the list if I'm not too much of a bastard in this life.

Bald Eagle
 Bald eagles are great. Not because they are the most majestic creatures alive (they're not) nor because they represent the fierce drive of America (they don't). Bald eagles are awesome because they are American. Let me explain. I lived in Alaska last summer, and saw tons of bald eagles while I was there. They're pretty common for the region I was in, and especially in places like Homer, they're everywhere. Here's the thing- bald eagles are a lot different in real life. Normally they're portrayed as majestic hunters who soar over America killing terrorists and screeching the National Anthem and living in nests made out of the American flag. But in reality, they're often fat, lazy scavengers, which is unfortunately representative of far too much of our country's population. It's one thing to see a bald eagle soaring gracefully over a lake; it's entirely different to watch them eat out of a McDonald's bag in the parking lot. In fact, the local residents told me a story about how a few years ago, the eagles were congregating at the local dump during fishing season to feed on the discarded fish guts that were left there. They ate so much fish that they couldn't fly because their wings were too oily and they were too fat and sluggish. If that's not American, then I don't know what is. 

"What, you mean you don't eat rotten whale carcasses? What are you, Canadian?"

Great White Shark

 If this is the last thing you ever see, your life has gone horribly wrong.

Great White sharks are the king of the sea. It's true. Few creatures possess the raw power and sheer terror as these suckers. The scientific name for the Great White shark is Carcharodon carcharias, which is Latin for "holy shit." The great white has it all- the speed and grace of a dolphin without all the childishness, the killing power of a shotgun made of chainsaws, and no bones. Oh, and they have rows of razor-sharp teeth that automatically replace themselves, making their mouths the oceanic equivalent of an industrial shredder. Oh, and they don't get cancer. Oh, and they eat stupid surfer hippies. Oh, and they keep the seal population in check. There is little that sharks can't do, except maybe fly.
"Caracharodon carcharias!!!!"

Domestic Dog

"I am happier than you will ever be."

Sure, being a house pet would certainly have its negative sides, but look at it this way: most pets in America live great lives. They get decent medical care, they can go to the bathroom wherever they want outside without any cops giving them an attitude, they can sleep all day, and they basically get treated like royalty. Sure, there are some bad apples out there, but most people are generally ok with dogs, and a dog will be happy doing just about anything you let it. And again, having your every need catered to sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me, so maybe I've gotta be extra-good to end up as a dog. I better start practicing my help-old-lady-street-crossing skills.


William King said...

See: Honey Badger, the most fearsome woodland creature evar.

Micah said...

What about mickling industrial strangers?

Micah said...

Translated from the Chinese:

"Are there items in the law of stupid laws: "an organization of fools, Hengda to equal two-thirds of.""

Justin T. said...

It's just like the old Chinese proverb, "many a little makes a mickle"......