Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I fought the law and the law is stupid

Busted. Speed traps are the worst. At least I wasn't distracted while driving.

Screw you, City of Riesel, and your bullshit speed trap revenue booster.

P.S. I think I'd like to start going by "THE VIOLATOR", which is what the label over my name says. Take note.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Why people (rightfully) hate lawyers

Somebody tell Bill Ogletree of Ogletree & Abbott to stop being such a tittybaby. This Houston-based personal injury lawyer has most recently decided that he's had enough. He's decided to exercise his acute legal mind and razor-sharp wit to take down the corporate giants that plague us all. He's threatening to sue the City of Houston, Westfield Company, and Continental Airlines. What horrible injury has beset Mr. Ogletree to cause his hackles to be raised and his wrath to be brought down upon these corporations? He left his jacket at the airport and somebody took it. That's right, Bill Ogletree left his jacket in an airport pizza place and wants it back, and is prepared to cost the taxpayers thousands of dollars to get it. I did a little research on ole Bill Ogletree to find out what his story is and why he's so upset about losing his jacket.

But is it really worth it to sue somebody over a jacket, even if the jacket is worth $800? Let's find out. Ogletree has a convenient little feature on his website, the Personal Injury Settlement Calculator. According to Ogletree's website, this instructions are as follows:
Please take a minute to test drive our Online Settlement Calculator to find out the value of your case. To calculate a fair settlement or judgment, enter a dollar amount for each of the damages categories, where applicable, and click Calculate for a total.
So, let's take a look and see what Mr. Ogletree's suit is worth, based on his own calculations:

Medical Expenses: $0
Future Medical Expenses: $0
Rehabilitation: $0
Prosthetics: $0
Lost Wages: $0
Future Lost Wages: $0
Pain and Suffering: $800 (I'll give him the cost of the jacket here, but I'm being generous)
Future Pain and Suffering: $0
Disability: $0
Future Disability: $0
Loss of Quality of Life: $0
Future Loss of Quality of Life: $0
Impairment: $0
Future Impairment: $0
Disfigurement: $50 (I can only imagine how horribly disfigured he must've looked after leaving his jacket behind)
Loss of Consortium: $0
Loss of Services: $0      

So what are we left with, based on the settlement calculator? Well, it looks like his settlement value would be about $850, generously. Probably not worth a lawyer's time. Unless you're the lawyer and you apparently have nothing better to do than bitch and moan about how you can't keep up with your own clothing. It sucks to lose a jacket, Mr. Ogletree, but what sucks even more is showing everyone in America the kind of person you are by refusing to take responsibility for your own actions. Do you think it's a good use of your time and money and the taxpayers' time and money to sue these organizations over a jacket? Aside from showing extremely poor judgment by paying such a large amount for a jacket, you've shown us that rather than just sucking it up and remembering to be more mindful, you'd prefer to blame the City of Houston and Continental Airlines because you were too busy shoveling Sbarro calzones into your gaping maw.

I say the defendants in this case should dig their heels in and fight it with every ounce of lawyerness they have. Force him to take it to a jury trial and let Mr. Ogletree explain to 6 laypeople why someone else should be responsible for his failure to keep track of his shit at the airport. And when they inevitably return a verdict for the defense, make him pay the attorney's fees and the cost to the taxpayers. Or better yet, make him make a donation of coats to the Salvation Army's clothing drives. Show this asshole that there are more important things for all of us to be concerned about than some ugly black jacket that was apparently less important than greasy fast food.