Monday, July 25, 2011

Lies I plan on telling my kids

Lies are a part of human nature. At every stage of development, learning to parse the truth from fiction is integral to both proper social conditioning and instinctual survival. Which is why it's important to lie to children. Lying to children teaches them to be wary of the world around them, to approach with caution and to always be careful, which helps protect them. And lying to children helps adults practice lying, which increases their chances of having more children. Basically, lying is necessary to human survival. So it's important to decide which lies to tell  your children, and why. Some lies, like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, are easy to sell, because they're so easy to believe in as a child. Others, like 'you can be anything you want to be when you grow up' are harder to sell, but still nevertheless pulled off by enthusiastic parents  every day. So I decided to approach the inevitable situation by figuring out some lies to tell my children. Here's what I've come up with:

  • You have to say "thank you" to automatic doors or they will become angry and try to smash you.
  • People speaking in a foreign language are from another planet, that's why we can't understand them. 
  • If you plant an egg it will grow into a chicken.
  • The ice cream truck only plays music when it's out of ice cream. 
  • Avatar is a documentary.
  • The Wu-Tang Clan is something to fuck with.
  • The wizards in Harry Potter used to be real but then the Muggles killed them all.
  • The worms you see on the sidewalk after a rainstorm are baby snakes who only hatch after a rain.
  • People you see in military uniforms are actually government robots which is why they all dress alike.
  • The hiccups mean that you are growing too fast. 
  • You only get to use curse words as an adult if you don't use them as a kid, otherwise you get a lifetime supply.
  • If you don't eat all your vegetables then a monster will sneak into your room and night and try to cram them down your throat; eating them all is the only way to keep him away. (This one might have to be followed up with some costume work)
  • If you don't wash your hands after you use the bathroom, a light goes on in the restaurant while you're in the bathroom and everybody in the restaurant knows when you come out.
  • Carnivals and fairs are just schemes set up by trolls and goblins to kidnap children. (See generally, "It," Stephen King)
  • Fried chicken skin is really the fried feathers and dirt, which is why it looks different than grilled chicken.
  • Singing in the shower keeps you from being sucked down into the drain.

I'm sure I'll think of a few more along the way.

1 comment:

Nina said...

Driving down I-95 in RI the signs always say "New York", so as a smaill child I used to always think that meant we were going there. My parents would lie and say that if I took a nap we would be there when I woke up. So I would. And when I woke up we would be home. Then they would lie and say that I slept through the whole trip and shouldn't be so lazy next time. Very upsetting.