Saturday, December 10, 2011

Christmas Songs I Hate

1. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree

This song is offensive to both feng shui and rock & roll enthusiasts. First off, they are really taking some liberties with the word "rockin'" in the title. Pantera is rock. Dream Theater is rock. Pink Floyd is rock. Brenda Lee's song? Not rock. Here's another problem: "Everyone's dancing merrily in the new old-fashioned way." New old-fashioned? I don't think Ms. Lee understands antonyms. Finally, the thing that annoys me the most about this song is the logistics of it. Rocking AROUND the Christmas tree? Where do you live, Whoville? Rockefeller Center? Christmas trees are almost always up against a wall or in a corner, so getting around it to "rock" (if you can even call it that) would be a nightmare. Having to unplug all that crap and move everything? What a stupid song. This is basically the Justin Bieber pop of 1958.

2. We Need A Little Christmas

  This song, first sung by Angela Lansbury in the classic musical "Mame," is a lively little song that masquerades as a Christmas tune. But listen closer. "haul out the holly/put up the tree before my spirit falls again/fill up the stockings/i may be rushing things but deck the halls again now/For we need a little Christmas/right this very minute..." This song is basically a work song aimed at glorifying tireless toil during the holiday season. Sorry dudes, but I like to relax during the holidays. If I want to celebrate a holiday with work, I'll come into the office on Martin Luther King Jr. day. Until then, stop singing songs at me that are essentially a giant list of Christmas chores.

Haven't seen anyone that demanding at Christmas time since this guy.


3. Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer

This song is about some loser's alcoholic grandmother who gets hammered one Christmas and ends up getting mauled by a caribou while stumbling home from the bar. Why do we celebrate this song? Are the fatal consequences of alcoholism that funny? "You can say there's no such thing as Santa, but as for me and Grandpa we believe." Ok, so what does the reindeer have anything to do with whether or not Santa is real? It doesn't say she was run over by one of Santa's reindeer, because that would probably be vehicular manslaughter. It just says a reindeer.  A single reindeer doesn't mean anything. I live in Alaska and there are literally hundreds of thousands of reindeer up here, but it doesn't make Santa any more real. Not only does this song celebrate substance abuse and death, it's also nonsense. I hate to break it to you dude, but your grandmother sucks. Let me tell you what-- my grandmother would never get mowed over by some stupid reindeer or any other ungulate. Even if she'd been drinking, she would still whip a reindeer's ass in a second if it tried to give her any attitude. Don't believe me? Here is a picture of my grandmother and the last deer who tried to give her any shit:

Yes, that is really my grandmother holding a dead deer. Motherfucker tried to front.


4. The Chipmunk Song

Dave Seville originally got the idea for the Chipmunks while singing after inhaling some helium from a party balloon. This song makes me wish it had been full of carbon monoxide instead. Nothing further.

5. Let it Snow

"Since we've no place to go/let it snow, let it snow, let it snow" Hey asshole, just because you don't have any friends or family worth visiting doesn't mean the rest of us don't. Don't wish the nightmarish traffic snarl of a holiday snowstorm on the rest of us just so you can have a picturesque view out your stupid window. That's what screensavers are for. I hope your power goes out for 2 weeks, jackass.

Let it snow? Fuck you.

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