Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Frosty the Snowman, R-rated children's classic

Frosty the Snowman is one of the most popular Christmas songs in the American canon. Written in 1950 as a follow-up to Gene Autry's hit "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer" recorded the previous year, Frosty has continued to warm the hearts and minds of Christmasgoing Americans for over half a century.

But have you ever actually listened to the lyrics? The chipper, upbeat melodies and whimsical lyrics belie a much darker tale, one that's told plainly in the words of Frosty the Snowman if the listener is paying attention. Let's take a look.

Frosty the Snowman
Was a jolly happy soul
With a corn cob pipe and a button nose
and two eyes made out of coal

Alright, so Frosty the Snowman is a chronic smoker with dead, soulless black eyes. Sounds charming. 
Not creepy at all.

Frosty the Snowman
Is a fairy tale they say
He was made of snow, but the children know
how he came to life one day

There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found
for when they placed it on his head, he began to dance around!

So what we learn here is that Frosty is actually an inanimate object brought to life with dark magic. Some neighborhood kids found an old wizard's hat and used it to summon the dark powers of Satan in order to bring their home-built monstrosity to life. One part zombie, one part Frankenstein. Great. 

Jimmy Durante's been dead for a long time.
Frosty the Snowman
Knew the sun was hot that day
So he said let's run and we'll have some fun
now before I melt away!

This is where it starts to get raw. Frosty, being an inanimate hell-beast summoned to life using dark magic, realizes where he is going to end up, and decides to go out with a bang. He decides he'd rather kill himself in a final blaze of glory, knowing his time to reign over the night is drawing short. But does he keep his final plans a secret? Of course not. Like any psychopath, he chooses to involve innocent children in his scheming. 

Down to the village
with a broomstick in his hand
Running here and there
all around the square
saying catch me if you can!

He led them down the streets of town, right to the traffic cop
And he only paused a moment when he heard them holler "Stop!"

Frosty has a weapon now and has gone from mischievous Christmas imp to full-on suicidal rampaging maniac. In this verse, he runs around town, madly attacking everyone in sight with a broomstick, blatantly challenging the authority of the townspeople to stop his terrifying rampage. He then takes a page straight from the psychopath's handbook and turns his aggression towards the police. Frosty leads his band of terrorists straight to the traffic cop, and barely even pauses when told to cease. 

If you've seen The Devil's Rejects it went pretty much exactly like that.

Frosty the Snowman
had to hurry on his way
but he waved goodbye
saying "don't you cry!
I'll be back again someday!"
Thumpety thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
Look at Frosty go...

In the final verse, Frosty vows revenge on those who have wronged him ("I'll be back again someday!"), then sacrifices himself in an ultimate display of anarcho-hedonistic rage. Fueled by Satan's power and armed to the teeth with weapons and a small army of loyal followers, Frosty's soulless coal-black eyes are forever extinguished as the police fire round after round of 00 buckshot into Frosty's cold, lifeless body in a desperate attempt to stop his deadly Yuletide rampage. Pop pop pop. Thumpety thump thump. Thumpety thump thump. Look at Frosty go, innards melting all over the street, Free Bird blasting at full volume in the background. 

Some men just want to watch the world melt. 

Merry Christmas, children. Frosty will return someday. 

1 comment:

Kimberly said...

Injecting a bit of Halloween into any holiday is always an improvement.