Monday, July 25, 2011

Lies I plan on telling my kids

Lies are a part of human nature. At every stage of development, learning to parse the truth from fiction is integral to both proper social conditioning and instinctual survival. Which is why it's important to lie to children. Lying to children teaches them to be wary of the world around them, to approach with caution and to always be careful, which helps protect them. And lying to children helps adults practice lying, which increases their chances of having more children. Basically, lying is necessary to human survival. So it's important to decide which lies to tell  your children, and why. Some lies, like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, are easy to sell, because they're so easy to believe in as a child. Others, like 'you can be anything you want to be when you grow up' are harder to sell, but still nevertheless pulled off by enthusiastic parents  every day. So I decided to approach the inevitable situation by figuring out some lies to tell my children. Here's what I've come up with:

  • You have to say "thank you" to automatic doors or they will become angry and try to smash you.
  • People speaking in a foreign language are from another planet, that's why we can't understand them. 
  • If you plant an egg it will grow into a chicken.
  • The ice cream truck only plays music when it's out of ice cream. 
  • Avatar is a documentary.
  • The Wu-Tang Clan is something to fuck with.
  • The wizards in Harry Potter used to be real but then the Muggles killed them all.
  • The worms you see on the sidewalk after a rainstorm are baby snakes who only hatch after a rain.
  • People you see in military uniforms are actually government robots which is why they all dress alike.
  • The hiccups mean that you are growing too fast. 
  • You only get to use curse words as an adult if you don't use them as a kid, otherwise you get a lifetime supply.
  • If you don't eat all your vegetables then a monster will sneak into your room and night and try to cram them down your throat; eating them all is the only way to keep him away. (This one might have to be followed up with some costume work)
  • If you don't wash your hands after you use the bathroom, a light goes on in the restaurant while you're in the bathroom and everybody in the restaurant knows when you come out.
  • Carnivals and fairs are just schemes set up by trolls and goblins to kidnap children. (See generally, "It," Stephen King)
  • Fried chicken skin is really the fried feathers and dirt, which is why it looks different than grilled chicken.
  • Singing in the shower keeps you from being sucked down into the drain.

I'm sure I'll think of a few more along the way.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Last Meals

The other day I revisited a site I remembered visiting several times back in college. It was the Texas Department of Criminal Justice's website. Specifically, the list of last meal requests of executed offenders. I find it morbidly fascinating to peruse the final requests of these state of Texas condemnees. I think about what events in this person's life are so interconnected with these foods that at their dernier repas they would request them. Also, it makes me very hungry to browse this website. It was up until sometime in early 2004 and then was taken down for undisclosed reasons. I'm glad sites like the Web Archive exist, helping preserve parts of our culture that may not survive the changing political and social tides as we progress. Each inmate also has information available about their crimes, their backgrounds, and their personal histories. I encourage you to check out this site and see one small aspect of the political death machine that is capital punishment in Texas.


Alva Curry
Convicted of robbery and murder
Executed January 28, 2003
Last meal request: Chicken fried steak, country gravy, hot buttered corn, mashed potatoes, hot buttered rolls, hot apple pie, vanilla ice cream, tea


Sammy Felder, Jr.
Convicted of murder 1976, conviction overturned by 5th circuit, convicted of murder again 1986.
Executed December 15, 1999
Last meal request: 1/2 pound of chitterlings, fried chicken (dark meat), 10 slices of bacon, 1 raw onion, fried shrimp, peach cobbler, 1 pitcher of whole milk


Fascinating. 


My last meal: 12 buffalo wings (6 extra hot, 6 hawaiian), Chips & salsa, strawberry cheesecake, 20 oz. Dr. Pepper.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

A movie I "Saw" this weekend

So I "Saw" a movie this weekend that I wanted to review. The basic plot is something like this: An older, mentally unstable man decides to take his future in his own hands.  He does this by staging an elaborate game in which he gathers 5 participants together, each unaware that they are all actually competing against each other in a sadistic game. The mysterious place he brings them to is filled with all sorts of tricks, illusions, and puzzles, like nothing they've ever seen or experienced in their lives.

 The participants are not told the real reason they've been gathered together. What little bits of information they do manage to get from the old man are cryptic phrases and nonsensical riddles, often delivered through a tiny man with a strangely-colored face and a crazy voice. One by one, each participant falls victim to some sort of trap or tragedy, as each one succumbs to their own vices and is lost to the madness of the psychotic host's sick twisted game. As the clock runs out, one participant is finally able to figure out the game and "wins," but in an unexpected plot twist he becomes the man's apprentice, chosen as the lone survivor to carry on his legacy. The movie ends with a shot of the psycho host and the "winner," letting the viewer know that the real story has only just begun...


That being said, I think Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is a movie that everyone should see.