Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Best 2012 GOP Presidential Candidates

Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, Rick Perry, etc., etc. It's like the ingredient list for a shit sandwich. Even if you're a dyed-in-the-wool Republican like some of my closest (and most misguided) friends, you have to admit that the current crop of candidates for the 2012 GOP ticket are just awful. I feel bad for you guys and I've certainly had enough of Obama, so I thought I'd throw out some ideas for some candidates that I feel could re-energize your party and excite your base.

1. The Predator
I bet you would say the fucking Pledge of Allegiance if this were in the White House wouldn't you?

This is the obvious choice for the next leader of the free world (and, soon to follow, the enslaved world). Not since Teddy Roosevelt has the Commander-in-Chief also been a Republican AND a full-time killing machine who hunted trophies for sport. His qualifications for our nation's highest office include an advanced background in science, technology, military strategy, and ecology, as well as infrared vision and active camouflage cloaking abilities. Do you think President Predator would put up with any shit from hostile nations? Iran trying to stir up some shit by talking trash about the United States or blowing up an oil tanker? Other nations will think differently when President Predator delivers the still-warm skull and spine of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to the U.N. floor and lets out a primal scream of victory. Climate negotiations will also improve drastically, as any international leaders unwilling to adhere to President Predator's climate change regulations will be systematically eliminated one by one, thereby reducing the uncooperative nation's carbon footprint and forcing them into compliance. President Predator 2012 : Change You Never See Coming.

2. John Madden
The President is the guy with the most votes at the end of the 4th quarter.
Who better than to pull America out of the economic red zone than football legend and color commentator John Madden? The American people would save millions on Air Force One flights, and the State of the Union address will include real-time graphics and slow-motion replays. Madden knows which plays work in the critical moments, and President Madden would help us get back on track and get the first downs America needs to score. Al Qaeda, you just became Public Enemy #2. Athlete's Foot is now Public Enemy #1!

3. A Log
It's got like 50 worms on it. I call it Worm Log!
Seriously. A fucking log would be better than any of these clowns.

4. Watson
I'll take "Places to Conquer Next" for $800, Alex.
It's only a matter of time before computers are running the show anyway, so why not get a head start and get in on the good side of our android overlords by voting for the world's brainiest machine, Watson. He's already proven that he has the drive and determination to last multiple rounds in the hot seat under intense scrutiny, and his encyclopaedic knowledge and fast-thinking skills are just what we need to fix this country. Plus he can continue to add to the U.S. treasury by competing on various quiz shows and pub trivia nights for prize money. I don't like this DeathToHumansBot9000 I keep hearing about for the VP spot though. I just don't think he's truly a Reagan-era conservative.

5. George Oscar "Gob" Bluth III
Obama is not the only President to cross racial boundaries.
After a whirlwind career as the chief executive of a multimillion dollar Fortune 500 corporation, Gob Bluth has the leadership qualities we need in an American president. From his willingness to whip it out in front of female foreign dignitaries to establish American dominance, to his penchant for showmanship and flair, President Gob Bluth would have America's enemies asking "where'd the lighter fluid come from?" Besides, like the guy in the six thousand dollar suit is gonna negotiate a peace treaty with the guy whose country isn't worth half that. COME ON!!

6. He-Man
Even better than Teddy Roosevelt's Presidential Bison
He-Man's prior leadership experience as Prince of Eternia make him a great candidate for 2012. His pro-domestic partner positions and liberal application of military might make him a formidable opponent on both social and political issues. Although he claims that fabulous magic powers were revealed to him the day he held his sword aloft and shouted "I have the power!," is that really any crazier than half the GOP candidates claiming God told them to run for President? Besides, He-Man might be the only candidate with better hair than Rick Perry and better abs than Joe Biden.

7. Bill Nye
Even I would vote GOP with Bill Nye on the ticket.
Everything that comes out of Bill Nye's mouth is pure fact, so with Bill Nye for President in 2012, what you hear is what you get. Much like he explained scientific concepts to children for many years on his famous television show, President Bill Nye can use those same tactics to explain scientific concepts to Republicans, who generally have an elementary school-level knowledge of science. No longer will we have to waste time arguing about things like evolution and gay marriage; the U.S. can finally start to argue about things like which show is better, America's Next Top Model or Top Chef.

8. Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock
Still better than Rick Santorum in every conceivable way.
Perhaps the biggest dark horse candidate of the field, the Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock has a lot to offer the Presidential office in 2012. An ever-wise and ever-decomposing pile of garbage, the Trash Heap fits in perfectly with the current field of Republican candidates, just sitting there stinking like shit and not offering anything of real value other than a place to dump the things you no longer want (Hi Newt!) Plus, the Trash Heap has a proven track record of managing crises, including withholding all food from the Fraggles in order to get them to cooperate with one another. Try being mad at the 1% when the other 99%ers hit you over the head with a bottle to steal your ham! Trash Heap offers the true alternative, green candidate for today's conservative voice.

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