Friday, January 13, 2012

More 2012 GOP Presidential Possibilities

1. Sylvester Stallone
Stallone at 25 and 64. Say what you will about his acting, the man is doing something right.
It's hard to compete with American institutions, and the Italian Stallion is among the most rock solid of American institutions. Rocky Balboa, John Rambo, Judge Dredd, Sgt. Joe Bomowski in "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!," -- Sylvester Stallone stands for American ideals of freedom, liberty, law enforcement, vengeance, and physical fitness. No longer will we fear the unsettling chill of Russia's lingering nuclear program hanging over our heads, safe in the knowledge that our president once defeated Ivan Drago by training in a barn, just like Abraham Lincoln did before he wrestled Stephen Douglass in the famous Lincoln-Douglass States Rights Slam no-holds-barred MMA pay-per-view cage fight back during the Civil War. Even at 65 years old, Stallone is rockin' a presidential six pack that would make Putin rethink his shirtless horse rides. Sly 2012!

2. Jane Goodall
President Goodall caucuses with John Boehner.
Jane Goodall is a famous wildlife biologist known for her detailed study of the chimpanzee population of Tanzania. She remains one of the few humans ever to be accepted into chimpanzee society, which she later enslaved and used to run a diamond smuggling ring across western Africa. So who better to handle the filthy chimps that infiltrate Congress than a trained wildlife biologist and gorilla hunter? She will help bring order back to the Executive Branch with social grooming sessions during Cabinet meetings, and she's not afraid to rub shit in the faces of the Mexican drug cartels in order to establish dominance for territory in the Border Wars. Only someone trained to understand chimp behavior has the capabilities to suit out Congress and implement real change in government.

3. A Narwhal
Still can't believe people think this is actually a real animal.
The narwhal is a mythical creature that exists in the folklore of cultures north of the Arctic Circle. It's known for tusking, where the males rub their tusks together in a ritual scientists have yet to fully understand. The narwhal would fit in perfectly in Washington and would remind the conservative base to always stick to your guns, no matter how ridiculous and absurd they may be. Like a whale with a goddamn unicorn horn, the Republican Party can reign supreme with a narwhal running the show from the nation's highest office. Increased naval intelligence capacity an added bonus of a narwhal presidency.

4. Mr. Clean
Take THAT, Obamacare!

The GOP has been rife with sexual scandals in the last few years, from Mark Foley to Larry Craig to David Letterman, so it's important that the GOP nominee be clean. To that end, there's no better candidate than hygiene enthusiast and celebrity spokesmodel Mr. Clean. His shiny, freshly-scrubbed exterior lets you know that he's clean inside and out, and has no secrets to hide. His earring helps him connect with the youth vote, who has been distancing themselves from the Republican Party for some time. And he's sure to win the housewife vote, both on trustworthiness and on rugged good looks.

5. Sanjay Gupta, M.D.
Goddamn that is one good-looking neurosurgeon.
Another candidate that's sure to lock up the female vote, Dr. Sanjay Gupta is a CNN medical commentator and also happens to be a neurosurgeon, so there's that. Dr. Gupta is known for being devilishly handsome, trustworthy, competent, and at one time a potential contender for Obama's Surgeon General appointment. He's been known to do things like go to Iraq to cover the war and just happen to perform emergency life-saving brain surgery while he's in the area. The Republican Party needs to borrow some credibility, and Dr. Gupta has plenty to go around. Dr. Gupta has the academic background to lead and the public persona that every party wants in a candidate, so the GOP needs to act fast if they want to snatch him up before the Green Party gets their hands on him.

6. Tim Tebow
President Tebow's face is a secure place to encrypt national secrets.
Tim Tebow holds the advantage of currently polling the highest among potential Republican nominees for President, beating out Mitt Romney by a hefty 17%. Although he does face some barriers to nomination, such as a lack of experience and being Constitutionally ineligible for another 10 years, Tebow makes up for it in drive, determination, and open displays of religiosity. A favorite of the Religious Right, President Tebow would appeal to both moderates AND fans of overrated quarterbacks with sub-average pass completion percentages. Plus, his position on abortion virtually guarantees that he'll pass even the most conservative muster among Republicans and independent assholes alike. Tebow may have a tough time beating Obama, but he's overcome every obstacle that an upper middle class Southern white Christian male who excels at football has to face, which as you can imagine is MANY

7. Triceratops
An artist's rendition of President John McCain
Republican government is a three-pillared institution-- lower taxes, smaller government, more personal freedom. And what better to represent these hallowed ideals than with a three-horned animal that dominated the Cretaceous period? The triceratops faces some challenges, such as being extinct and obviously being pro-evolution, but the raw power and might of the triceratops will strike a familiar chord with Republican voters looking for a return to the Eisenhower-era GOP that dominated the political Cretaceous period of the 1950s. With its horns, armored bill and powerful tail, President Triceratops would give new meaning to the phrase "old school conservative."

8. Buzz Aldrin, D.Sc.
Anyone who can remove that flag can automatically be President. It's like the Sword in the Stone for America.
Dr. Buzz Aldrin is the kind of candidate Republicans have dreamed about since Lincoln first landed astronauts on the moon during the Revolutionary War. A decorated fighter pilot, astronaut, moon traveler, doctorate from MIT, and an actual Republican. He supports Republican party id.eals such as anthropogenic global warming denial, multiple marriages, and punching a guy in the face who said the moon landing was a hoax. The Republicans better snatch Dr. Aldrin up before it's too late, as he's likely to branch off and form his own party, the Totally Awesome I Landed On The Moon Party, which is rumored to be even more exclusive than today's Republican Party.

9. Hulk Hogan
Train, say your prayers, eat your vitamins, be true to yourself and true to your country!
Terry "Hulk" Hogan has proven to us time and time again that he doesn't take shit from anybody, whether it's the Iron Sheik, his ex-wife, or the Secretary of Defense. What better candidate than someone who once used a song called "Real American" as his theme music? Whether he's tearing his shirt off at a Cabinet meeting or putting the Swiss Ambassador in a headlock at a dinner party for entertainment, Hulk Hogan has what it takes to lead the GOP all the way to the Presidential Title Belt.

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