Wednesday, March 28, 2012

More reality shows I'd like to see

It's no secret that reality tv is a gold mine for networks looking to draw in viewers without the hassle of having to pay writers and produce scripts. But it's also no secret that most reality tv sucks ass. If I have to hear about another season of Survivor or American Idol this fall, I am going to lose it. So rather than just bitch and moan about it, I decided I would try to help. If I can't make it go away, I can at least try to make it better, so here are some more of my suggestions for potential reality shows I would watch. (Part 1 is here.)


Lord of the Flies

With the unprecedented success of Battle Royale The Hunger Games in theaters, the idea of pitting children against each other for survival is inevitable in the world of reality tv. This show harnesses the primal spirit of the eponymous Pulizter Prize-winning novel by William Golding, Lord of the Flies. The premise: 30 boys and girls, ranging from 4th to 7th grade, are dropped on an island with only their school backpacks and their wits to keep them alive for 30 days. Contestants must form alliances and adopt rules in order to find food, shelter and survive in the harrowing emptiness of the ocean. Backs will be crossed, rules will be broken and fat kids may end up dead on a pile of rocks. Tune in this fall on TLC for this year's most exciting thrill since Parking Wars season 2!

Kourtney & Kim Take Juarez

Internationally famous celebutante and acclaimed pornographer Kim Kardashian is seemingly on top of the world these days. With the resounding success of her numerous reality series, including Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kourney & Kim Take Miami and its even bigger followup Kourney & Kim Take New York, it's inevitable that Kim and her sister Kourtney will continue expanding their empire westward until they claim all the territory from the Adirondacks to Big Sur. And what better city than to capitalize on their growing power and media influence than the hotbed of all the money and power politics in the entire Southwest- Juarez, Mexico! In this series, you'll follow Kourtney & Kim Kardashian as they set up a distribution center for their D-A-S-H clothing stores in downtown Juarez, explore the vibrant nightlife south of the border, visit all the hottest clubs in town, and have violent and bloody turf wars with the Sinaloas and the Los Zetas drug cartels for control of the area! You didn't think Kourtney & Kim would take Juarez without a fight, did you? Little do the cartels know what they're in for! Prepare to be blown away as these Hollywood starlets see if they have what it takes to take Juarez.

America's Strongest Pawn Shop Owners
"Best I can do on this old thing is 5 bucks."
If American reality tv programming has taught us anything, it's that we love to see two things: random old junk belonging to other people, and huge dudes throwing random crap over fences and carrying it across lines. This series on TruTV combines the best of both worlds, when we follow America's Strongest Pawn Shop Owners. Watch them as they carefully seek out valuable items, negotiate them down to amazing bargains, and then lift the items up over their head and see who can hold them there the longest! No longer do you have to decide between watching Magnus VerMagnusson see how many antique barrels he can throw over a fence in 30 seconds or watching Rick on Pawn Stars tell some sap he'll give him $5 for his great grandfather's most prized civil war pistol. Now you can have both, with America's Strongest Pawn Shop Owners- this fall on TruTV.

Being Keanu

Join the fun on OWN Television this spring for an in-depth look at what it's like to be 1999's biggest action star, Keanu Reeves. Whether he's reading lines for an upcoming project, arguing with a staff member at the Go-Kart track, or eating a sandwich alone on a park bench while pondering the meaning of life, Keanu Reeves is living life in the fast lane! Follow along as you wander through the deepest hells of madness and discover exactly what it's like....Being Keanu. Thursdays this spring on OWN.

Kids Say the Most Racist Things
Bullshit you're not.

Anyone who's spent time around kids knows that their cute little minds don't quite have a "socially appropriate" filter developed yet, so they say some crazy things. And we all know that sometimes the things they say are unintentionally incredibly racist. This series brings veteran tv dad and host Bill Cosby together with some of the southeastern United States' most precocious kindergarteners for a bleep-filled romp through children's fucked-up views of society and Cosby's creeping dementia. Rated TV-MA. Fridays this fall on ABC Family!

Bear Grylls Survives Detroit
Auto industry collapsed? Better drink my own piss.

He's braved the darkest jungles of Africa, the icy tundras of the Arctic, the deadly rainforests of South America, and the hottest deserts of Australia and lived to tell about it. But this fall, survival expert Bear Grylls encounters a survival challenge like no other: post-recession Detroit. From the lack of available work opportunities to the collapsed housing market to the roving bands of night predators, Bear Grylls must survive in the toughest urban jungle of them all. As Moe Szyslak put it, "them people are livin' in Mad Max times," and it's going to take every survival skill he's got for Bear Grylls to make it out of Detroit in one piece. Saturdays this summer on The Travel Channel.

Taxicab Citizenship Challenge

Americans love to watch people in taxicabs. This summer, The Discovery Channel and the Department of Homeland Security join forces and combine the thrill of a quiz gameshow with the mundanity of riding in a taxi! Throw in a healthy dose of good old fashioned patriotism and you've got the all new Taxicab Citizenship Challenge! Like its predecessor series Cash Cab, contestants who flag down the special cab will have a chance to have their fare paid for AND win prize money if they answer the trivia questions on American history, customs, and culture correctly- but there's a twist! What the contestants don't know is that if they answer too many questions wrong, their citizenship will be revoked and they'll be driven to the nearest ICE processing center, where a transport bus will take them all the way to Guadalajara, Mexico to begin life anew as an expatriate outcast.Now contestants aren't just competing for prize money and a free ride, they're also fighting to stay in the country!  This summer, it's Taxicab Citizenship Challenge: Because there's no such thing as a free ride in America! Thursdays on Fox.

To Catch A Pageant Mom
"Why don't you have a seat over there?"

To Catch A Pageant Mom, this summer on NBC! Our camera crews go behind the scenes at one of the shadiest, most corrupt, most despicable crime rings in existence today: child beauty pageants. Using his cohorts at child protection group Perverted Justice, host Chris Hansen sets up an elaborate fake child beauty pageant to lure in unsuspecting parents under the guise of entering their child into a beauty pageant. When they arrive, they're greeted by Hansen, who then explains to them that a group of agents from Child Protective Services is standing by to take their children into custody. Sounds raw? that's because IT IS. But when it comes to improving society, Chris Hansen and the team at NBC go after the real child abusers: pageant parents. I mean seriously, have you seen Toddlers & Tiaras? it's like an Al Qaeda recruitment video financed by TLC.

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