Saturday, August 11, 2012

How people find my blog

One of the fun things about having a blog is seeing where the traffic is coming from. Occasionally I'll check my stats and see what kind of search queries people ran when they clicked on a link to my blog. Some of them make perfect sense, like "life in anchorage" or "waco zombie map," but others.... well, they puzzle me. I've compiled a few of the search terms I've seen in my stats over the years, so I'll attempt to answer the query and help the person find what they're looking for. Here's what people are searching to get to my blog:

"sylvester stallone shirtless"

I don't know whether to feel ashamed or honored that someone searched for that and ended up on my blog. To be fair, Stallone's got a pretty rockin' body, both when he was young and even now at 65. If you look like this, it's ok to be shirtless most of the time. Fortunately I do.

"code of chivalry"

Thanks to the power of the internet, kids will be living by my time-honored life principles for years to come. And thanks to the same power of the internet, I will probably have some awkward conversations with future potential employers if they ever google me before a job interview.

Talk about getting it wrong...

"newborn polar bear"

I'm not quite sure why searching for a newborn polar bear would bring anyone to my blog, but I hope someone found what they were looking for....a fuzzy, cuddly death machine.
Easily mistaken for a schnauzer. Deadliest mistake ever.

"20 gauge princess diana version gun"

Perhaps it's better that I not know how this query landed a reader on my blog. But here at Uphill Both Ways in the Snow, I try not to judge, and I aim to please. I hope this satisfies whatever curiosity spawned this particular query (and god I hope it's not sexual):

I like to think she's hanging out with Dale Earnhardt and the guy who played Boss Hogg on Dukes of Hazzard.

"bible covered bridge"

Everyone knows what a legendary Bible scholar I am, but I don't know much about covered bridges. However, a little research tells me that the Bible Covered Bridge is located in Greeneville, Tennessee. The Bible family originally erected the bridge on their own private property in 1923, and in 1940 it was seized by the government in an eminent domain action in order to make the bridge accessible to the public. Today it is a historic landmark and is photographed by every local teenager who thinks they're a photographer just because they have Instagram and an SLR.  The more you know!

Sometimes dicking around mindlessly on the internet can lead to learning! 
"dragon wing anatomy"

Either evil wizards or naturopaths have been scouring the internet for information about the dragons they work with, and landed here in Random Inane Nonsense Town, Mayor: me. Unfortunately, someone looking for dragon wing anatomy among these pages is going to be sorely disappointed, as most of my postgraduate research focuses on the dragon digestive system. (Fun fact: did you know dragons can also shit fire in addition to breathing it?) Nevertheless, here's a crude sketch I did to help illustrate the basics of dragon wing anatomy.
This is just the basics that I remember from grad school. 

"a goddamn triceratops"

I can't tell you how proud it makes me as a writer to know that someone searched the internet looking for "a goddamn triceratops" and ended up at my blog. It's the little victories like this that make the entire effort worth doing.
As you can see from this Creation Studies textbook illustration, triceratops did not take any shit from anyone.

Hopefully people will keep searching for weird shit and it will keep bringing them here, where I can mock them for your entertainment.

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