Thursday, September 20, 2012

How the Republicans can win the Presidency in 2012 (and fix the country while they're at it)

Let's face it folks, Mitt Romney is a turd sandwich of a Presidential candidate, and Americans don't seem super enthusiastic about taking a bite out of it this fall. After a primary candidacy that was way more difficult than it should've been-- come on, he was running against a guy who said politicians should be involved in the bedroom and Newt fucking Gingrich-- he's failed to swing the polls strongly in his favor despite an ever-worsening economic climate and Obama's lackluster efforts as of late. With his most recent now-public tirade against the working poor, he's all but guaranteed to lose unless the GOP can throw a Hail Mary pass at the last second.

But they can.
Are you fucking kidding me? Mom Jeans 2012.
With Hank Scorpio here heading up the GOP ticket this November, winning the election against Barack Obama is anything but certain. He's been accused of flip-flopping on major issues such as abortion and public health care, and he fails to attract the media adoration and youthful vigor that Obama so successfully harnessed in 2008. Basically it boils down to this: if there is a better candidate out there, the GOP should boot Mitt Blah-mney to the curb and go with someone that has a better shot.

Fortunately, I've got just the candidate for you. Are you ready for this? Here it is:

Abraham. Fucking. Lincoln.

Official White House daguerrotype by Matthew Brady, 1864
Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States, is the best president ever. Some might think it's George Washington, but he was a chump compared to Lincoln. I mean, he had wooden teeth. Even Abe Lincoln had his real teeth. Knowing the public school system of the day didn't give two shits about a kid like him, Lincoln educated himself back when Khan Academy was charcoal on a shovel in a dirt hut.
An early mugshot of Lincoln after he was caught with a ham under his shirt at the Piggly Wiggly
 Eventually he became a badass trial lawyer known for pulling some straight up Matlock moves on a regular basis in court and having juries be all "holy shit!" all the time. He is said to have handled over 5,000 cases during his career as an attorney. A self taught attorney at that, which as any internet forum will tell you is obviously the best kind of attorney.
"Members of the jury, I've told you my client is not guilty. Are you the kind of person that would go back into that jury room and call Honest Abe a liar behind my back?"

After deciding that things in the U.S. were really messed up and that he should be the one running shit, he ran for State and national office several times and eventually landed a sweet gig as the President of the United States of America. He's also the President who finally said "you know what? Fuck all this slavery noise, it's time to go medieval on the South," turning the tides of the Civil War. He led the U.S. through the most tumultuous period in our history. His steadfast leadership and calculated strategic vision changed the face of America and forever altered the position of the American Presidency.

I ask you, gentle reader: Who better to take the reins in 2012?

Lincoln will always be remembered for his prescience on government affairs, his leadership during the Civil War, and being the only person to hate going to the theater more than me, although to be fair Lincoln never had to sit through an amateur production of Cats so I might still have him beat there. He is also the only candidate that would guarantee a victory over the incumbent, Barack Obama.

Now I know what you're probably thinking here. You're thinking "that's a great idea, let's elect a guy who died in 1864. why don't you file that under 'D' for 'dumbass'?" Obviously the real Abraham Lincoln is dead. And if he's not dead,  I assure you, you sure as shit don't want him as your President, unless you think being eaten alive by an unholy beast of the undead is a good thing.
Zombie Lincoln will NOT keep his promises! He will raise taxes, he will increase spending, and he is a creature from the unholy depths of human nightmares. 

 However, we have something here today that's just as good, if not possibly better, than the real Abraham Lincoln.

Daniel Day-Lewis.
A milkshake a day keeps the drainage away!
Daniel Day-Lewis is basically the greatest actor of all time. You're probably thinking it's Marlon Brando or Robert DeNiro or Alfonso Ribiero or some shit like that, but you're wrong. It's Daniel Day-Lewis. End of debate. He is known for his long periods of intense research and preparation for his complex, emotionally demanding roles. He's also a notorious method actor. For those of you who are unfamiliar with method acting and are too lazy to spend 3 seconds Googling it, method acting is a technique "used by actors to create in themselves the thoughts and emotions of their characters, so as to develop lifelike performances." (wikipedia) Another crazy thing about method acting is that many method actors prefer to stay in character off-camera, so as to further immerse themselves in the character's psyche. Daniel Day-Lewis is notorious for this. On the set of My Left Foot, for which he won his first Best Actor Academy award,
"During filming as paralytic Christie Brown, Lewis refused to leave his wheelchair between scenes, so he could truly experience the problems associated with the condition. His constant refusal to break from character also earned him 2 broken ribs, from his continually hunched position in the wheelchair." (source)

This is fancy Hollywood speak for "this guy is hardcore." So here's the pitch: the Republican Party needs to hire Daniel Day-Lewis to run for President (and subsequently govern) as Abraham Lincoln. This way, everybody wins. Daniel Day-Lewis gets cast in the greatest and most important acting role in history, the Republicans get a candidate people actually want to vote for, and America gets the steadfast and competent leadership of Abraham Lincoln.

Day-Lewis has most recently starred in Steven Spielberg's upcoming biopic Lincoln. Being such an intense method actor, he has of course read everything Lincoln ever wrote, said, or did, in order to completely lose himself in the role and become the 16th President. I even read somewhere that for several months he rented a colonial house in Virginia near the shooting location and had the electricity turned off, in order to learn to make things like reading by candlelight look more natural.
Day-Lewis in character off screen during filming. "Excuse me, maidservant? I ordered four score and seven years ago, what praytell could perchance delay a humble burrito in such a manner?"

Abraham Lincoln healed a sharply divided nation in crisis once before, and bygod we've finally got a good enough replacement that he could do it again.

Exhibit A:
"Ugh, KILL ME, this play is soooooo boring."

Exhibit B:
"In my youth I made a deal with a gypsy in return for eternal life." Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg Address.
Exhibit C:

Free Campaign Advertising, courtesy of Steven Spielberg.

Contrary to the Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure-style common portrayal of Lincoln as having a deep, booming voice, President Lincoln is said to have had a higher pitched voice, with one woman even describing it as "shrill," which as you can see Day-Lewis has adopted in his portrayal. I seriously wouldn't be surprised if he tried to convince Spielberg to let him get shot in the head at the end.

Now I know you're probably thinking "great idea dipshit, too bad he's Irish or something and can't be President." And you're right. It would take a Constitutional amendment to allow him to be president, but let's face it: the Republicans have been itching to take a crack at that thing for years, so now's the opportunity to let them do so in a relatively harmless way. Instead of insidious idiocy like defining marriage as one man and one woman only or criminalizing flag burning, let's allow foreigners to be President. What's the harm? Arnold Schwarzenegger was the governor of the most populous state in the country, and even Martin van Buren spoke Dutch as his first language, and everyone knows what a hardass President that guy was.

As an added bonus, we can send copies of the movie "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" to countries like North Korea and Iran and Syria and tell them it's a documentary about our new badass vampire hunting president that we raised from the dead somehow. Let's see Ahmedinejad try to pull any shit once Daniel Day-Lewis is running the show.

The bottom line is, Daniel Day-Lewis is the one guy with the potential to completely turn this country around and get us back on the track to prosperity and security, and we need to work together to make this happen. If anyone knows how to create a super PAC to get this show on the road, you know how to get ahold of me.

Let's do this, America.