Friday, January 13, 2012

More 2012 GOP Presidential Possibilities

1. Sylvester Stallone
Stallone at 25 and 64. Say what you will about his acting, the man is doing something right.
It's hard to compete with American institutions, and the Italian Stallion is among the most rock solid of American institutions. Rocky Balboa, John Rambo, Judge Dredd, Sgt. Joe Bomowski in "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot!," -- Sylvester Stallone stands for American ideals of freedom, liberty, law enforcement, vengeance, and physical fitness. No longer will we fear the unsettling chill of Russia's lingering nuclear program hanging over our heads, safe in the knowledge that our president once defeated Ivan Drago by training in a barn, just like Abraham Lincoln did before he wrestled Stephen Douglass in the famous Lincoln-Douglass States Rights Slam no-holds-barred MMA pay-per-view cage fight back during the Civil War. Even at 65 years old, Stallone is rockin' a presidential six pack that would make Putin rethink his shirtless horse rides. Sly 2012!

2. Jane Goodall
President Goodall caucuses with John Boehner.
Jane Goodall is a famous wildlife biologist known for her detailed study of the chimpanzee population of Tanzania. She remains one of the few humans ever to be accepted into chimpanzee society, which she later enslaved and used to run a diamond smuggling ring across western Africa. So who better to handle the filthy chimps that infiltrate Congress than a trained wildlife biologist and gorilla hunter? She will help bring order back to the Executive Branch with social grooming sessions during Cabinet meetings, and she's not afraid to rub shit in the faces of the Mexican drug cartels in order to establish dominance for territory in the Border Wars. Only someone trained to understand chimp behavior has the capabilities to suit out Congress and implement real change in government.

3. A Narwhal
Still can't believe people think this is actually a real animal.
The narwhal is a mythical creature that exists in the folklore of cultures north of the Arctic Circle. It's known for tusking, where the males rub their tusks together in a ritual scientists have yet to fully understand. The narwhal would fit in perfectly in Washington and would remind the conservative base to always stick to your guns, no matter how ridiculous and absurd they may be. Like a whale with a goddamn unicorn horn, the Republican Party can reign supreme with a narwhal running the show from the nation's highest office. Increased naval intelligence capacity an added bonus of a narwhal presidency.

4. Mr. Clean
Take THAT, Obamacare!

The GOP has been rife with sexual scandals in the last few years, from Mark Foley to Larry Craig to David Letterman, so it's important that the GOP nominee be clean. To that end, there's no better candidate than hygiene enthusiast and celebrity spokesmodel Mr. Clean. His shiny, freshly-scrubbed exterior lets you know that he's clean inside and out, and has no secrets to hide. His earring helps him connect with the youth vote, who has been distancing themselves from the Republican Party for some time. And he's sure to win the housewife vote, both on trustworthiness and on rugged good looks.

5. Sanjay Gupta, M.D.
Goddamn that is one good-looking neurosurgeon.
Another candidate that's sure to lock up the female vote, Dr. Sanjay Gupta is a CNN medical commentator and also happens to be a neurosurgeon, so there's that. Dr. Gupta is known for being devilishly handsome, trustworthy, competent, and at one time a potential contender for Obama's Surgeon General appointment. He's been known to do things like go to Iraq to cover the war and just happen to perform emergency life-saving brain surgery while he's in the area. The Republican Party needs to borrow some credibility, and Dr. Gupta has plenty to go around. Dr. Gupta has the academic background to lead and the public persona that every party wants in a candidate, so the GOP needs to act fast if they want to snatch him up before the Green Party gets their hands on him.

6. Tim Tebow
President Tebow's face is a secure place to encrypt national secrets.
Tim Tebow holds the advantage of currently polling the highest among potential Republican nominees for President, beating out Mitt Romney by a hefty 17%. Although he does face some barriers to nomination, such as a lack of experience and being Constitutionally ineligible for another 10 years, Tebow makes up for it in drive, determination, and open displays of religiosity. A favorite of the Religious Right, President Tebow would appeal to both moderates AND fans of overrated quarterbacks with sub-average pass completion percentages. Plus, his position on abortion virtually guarantees that he'll pass even the most conservative muster among Republicans and independent assholes alike. Tebow may have a tough time beating Obama, but he's overcome every obstacle that an upper middle class Southern white Christian male who excels at football has to face, which as you can imagine is MANY

7. Triceratops
An artist's rendition of President John McCain
Republican government is a three-pillared institution-- lower taxes, smaller government, more personal freedom. And what better to represent these hallowed ideals than with a three-horned animal that dominated the Cretaceous period? The triceratops faces some challenges, such as being extinct and obviously being pro-evolution, but the raw power and might of the triceratops will strike a familiar chord with Republican voters looking for a return to the Eisenhower-era GOP that dominated the political Cretaceous period of the 1950s. With its horns, armored bill and powerful tail, President Triceratops would give new meaning to the phrase "old school conservative."

8. Buzz Aldrin, D.Sc.
Anyone who can remove that flag can automatically be President. It's like the Sword in the Stone for America.
Dr. Buzz Aldrin is the kind of candidate Republicans have dreamed about since Lincoln first landed astronauts on the moon during the Revolutionary War. A decorated fighter pilot, astronaut, moon traveler, doctorate from MIT, and an actual Republican. He supports Republican party id.eals such as anthropogenic global warming denial, multiple marriages, and punching a guy in the face who said the moon landing was a hoax. The Republicans better snatch Dr. Aldrin up before it's too late, as he's likely to branch off and form his own party, the Totally Awesome I Landed On The Moon Party, which is rumored to be even more exclusive than today's Republican Party.

9. Hulk Hogan
Train, say your prayers, eat your vitamins, be true to yourself and true to your country!
Terry "Hulk" Hogan has proven to us time and time again that he doesn't take shit from anybody, whether it's the Iron Sheik, his ex-wife, or the Secretary of Defense. What better candidate than someone who once used a song called "Real American" as his theme music? Whether he's tearing his shirt off at a Cabinet meeting or putting the Swiss Ambassador in a headlock at a dinner party for entertainment, Hulk Hogan has what it takes to lead the GOP all the way to the Presidential Title Belt.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Best 2012 GOP Presidential Candidates

Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, Rick Perry, etc., etc. It's like the ingredient list for a shit sandwich. Even if you're a dyed-in-the-wool Republican like some of my closest (and most misguided) friends, you have to admit that the current crop of candidates for the 2012 GOP ticket are just awful. I feel bad for you guys and I've certainly had enough of Obama, so I thought I'd throw out some ideas for some candidates that I feel could re-energize your party and excite your base.

1. The Predator
I bet you would say the fucking Pledge of Allegiance if this were in the White House wouldn't you?

This is the obvious choice for the next leader of the free world (and, soon to follow, the enslaved world). Not since Teddy Roosevelt has the Commander-in-Chief also been a Republican AND a full-time killing machine who hunted trophies for sport. His qualifications for our nation's highest office include an advanced background in science, technology, military strategy, and ecology, as well as infrared vision and active camouflage cloaking abilities. Do you think President Predator would put up with any shit from hostile nations? Iran trying to stir up some shit by talking trash about the United States or blowing up an oil tanker? Other nations will think differently when President Predator delivers the still-warm skull and spine of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to the U.N. floor and lets out a primal scream of victory. Climate negotiations will also improve drastically, as any international leaders unwilling to adhere to President Predator's climate change regulations will be systematically eliminated one by one, thereby reducing the uncooperative nation's carbon footprint and forcing them into compliance. President Predator 2012 : Change You Never See Coming.

2. John Madden
The President is the guy with the most votes at the end of the 4th quarter.
Who better than to pull America out of the economic red zone than football legend and color commentator John Madden? The American people would save millions on Air Force One flights, and the State of the Union address will include real-time graphics and slow-motion replays. Madden knows which plays work in the critical moments, and President Madden would help us get back on track and get the first downs America needs to score. Al Qaeda, you just became Public Enemy #2. Athlete's Foot is now Public Enemy #1!

3. A Log
It's got like 50 worms on it. I call it Worm Log!
Seriously. A fucking log would be better than any of these clowns.

4. Watson
I'll take "Places to Conquer Next" for $800, Alex.
It's only a matter of time before computers are running the show anyway, so why not get a head start and get in on the good side of our android overlords by voting for the world's brainiest machine, Watson. He's already proven that he has the drive and determination to last multiple rounds in the hot seat under intense scrutiny, and his encyclopaedic knowledge and fast-thinking skills are just what we need to fix this country. Plus he can continue to add to the U.S. treasury by competing on various quiz shows and pub trivia nights for prize money. I don't like this DeathToHumansBot9000 I keep hearing about for the VP spot though. I just don't think he's truly a Reagan-era conservative.

5. George Oscar "Gob" Bluth III
Obama is not the only President to cross racial boundaries.
After a whirlwind career as the chief executive of a multimillion dollar Fortune 500 corporation, Gob Bluth has the leadership qualities we need in an American president. From his willingness to whip it out in front of female foreign dignitaries to establish American dominance, to his penchant for showmanship and flair, President Gob Bluth would have America's enemies asking "where'd the lighter fluid come from?" Besides, like the guy in the six thousand dollar suit is gonna negotiate a peace treaty with the guy whose country isn't worth half that. COME ON!!

6. He-Man
Even better than Teddy Roosevelt's Presidential Bison
He-Man's prior leadership experience as Prince of Eternia make him a great candidate for 2012. His pro-domestic partner positions and liberal application of military might make him a formidable opponent on both social and political issues. Although he claims that fabulous magic powers were revealed to him the day he held his sword aloft and shouted "I have the power!," is that really any crazier than half the GOP candidates claiming God told them to run for President? Besides, He-Man might be the only candidate with better hair than Rick Perry and better abs than Joe Biden.

7. Bill Nye
Even I would vote GOP with Bill Nye on the ticket.
Everything that comes out of Bill Nye's mouth is pure fact, so with Bill Nye for President in 2012, what you hear is what you get. Much like he explained scientific concepts to children for many years on his famous television show, President Bill Nye can use those same tactics to explain scientific concepts to Republicans, who generally have an elementary school-level knowledge of science. No longer will we have to waste time arguing about things like evolution and gay marriage; the U.S. can finally start to argue about things like which show is better, America's Next Top Model or Top Chef.

8. Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock
Still better than Rick Santorum in every conceivable way.
Perhaps the biggest dark horse candidate of the field, the Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock has a lot to offer the Presidential office in 2012. An ever-wise and ever-decomposing pile of garbage, the Trash Heap fits in perfectly with the current field of Republican candidates, just sitting there stinking like shit and not offering anything of real value other than a place to dump the things you no longer want (Hi Newt!) Plus, the Trash Heap has a proven track record of managing crises, including withholding all food from the Fraggles in order to get them to cooperate with one another. Try being mad at the 1% when the other 99%ers hit you over the head with a bottle to steal your ham! Trash Heap offers the true alternative, green candidate for today's conservative voice.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

These Are Some Big Freaking Hogs

I am not one to be a conspiracy theorist, but something is going on in the deep recesses of West Texas. Knox County, Texas, birthplace of Rick Perry, is producing some monster wild hogs right now. Recently I compiled a series of game camera photos captured on my dad's property in Knox County, and the results are terrifying. Always carry a pistol, people.

P.S. I apologize to anyone who got here by googling "big black hogs" or "giant hogs" or "hogs gone wild" looking for something else. I hope these images satisfy a different kind of curiosity for you.

Ok so these are some relatively normal sized wild hogs. They are everywhere in west Texas

Ok, relatively normal sized, there are only 8 of you in this picture, I guess I can deal with that.
Ok now there are 19 of you in this picture. That I am not ok with. Cut that shit out you guys, seriously.

Here a regular size hog is seen not giving a fuck about a raccoon with laser eyes. They are assholes like that.
This regular sized wild hog says "'sup brah?," one of the most annoying of all wild hog utterances.
Pigs are getting a little bigger out there I've noticed..
Alright, they are definitely getting bigger. Someone either fed them after midnight or got them wet.
Ok, so now there are two of you. I get it. You're getting bigger, stronger. Like velociraptors who shit everywhere.
This pig's dirt-encrusted coat shows me that he has done some most un-Christian things in the mud.
Thankfully only one giant light brown hog here.
Here we see an example of a recent Hog Mitosis. That's also the name of a new series on Discovery Channel. Hog Mitosis, it's side-splittin' fun y'all!
Hogs are the only animal known whose skull is able to change within a lifetime to adapt to a feral lifestyle after release from domestication. That is not a joke, just a horrifying fact about these hell-beasts.

Now just remember that normally this scene is taking place in pitch blackness.
This one looks huge and not at all pregnant.
Here is a deer for a size comparison of the next hog.
Deer feeder? Fuck you bitch it's a hog feeder now. Deal with it. Hog OUT.

 Like I said, always carry a pistol, and in a worse case scenario, as you can see, remember to always save one last bullet. Happy New Year!